thoughts.

i've been really stressed and feeling a bit lost lately. i think a lot of it has to do with being sick, but i also know that i am sick because of the stress.

i think i've mentioned before that i'm struggling with this period of "uncertainty" in my life. i don't like feeling lost. i just want to know what my future holds and how exactly i am going to get there. i know that is part of why i am so drawn to pharmacy school. it is a quick path to a good career and decently lucrative future. the problem is that pharmacy school is not something i have dreamed about forever, so i'm lacking the motivation to take the necessary steps to get myself there. i'm taking the pcat on saturday and once again... i've not studied for it. i've known that i'm setting myself up for disaster with my poor time management, but i've been feeling so overwhelmed lately. when i get overwhelmed, i tend to just shut down. i know that about myself, yet i have no idea how to remedy it.

i've been having a lot of moments lately where i just break down. usually it's to james. i'm so thankful to have his understanding, support, and tough love. he always encourages me and assures me that i can, in fact, do everything... i just need to look at it bit by bit and not as a whole. he also reminds me that i need to have better time management. it's a hard thing to correct for a lifelong procrastinator like myself. i have always been someone who puts assignments or studying off to the night before, and i've always gotten everything done in time with an acceptable outcome. but while this strategy [if you can call it that] may have worked for me so far in life, i think my body and mind are both trying to tell me to stop, as they have been breaking down rather frequently recently.

my nanny job has ended as of yesterday. i feel badly that it didn't work out better, but i have just been so stressed and overwhelmed that it was one more thing on my plate that was making me go a little bit more insane. and every time i was too busy or sick to help out, i felt guilty and more stressed. i'm really sad [even more sad than i anticipated] that i won't be doing it anymore, but i think it's for the best.

i'm hoping that one less item on my agenda will help. i know there is more that can be done though. hopefully over the next few months i will get everything worked out into a manageable and more healthy schedule.

wow. this post turned into way more than i intended. i didn't really mean to put this much out there, but here it is i guess.

i actually just wanted to post something like "i've been struggling a lot lately, and tonight i realized that i really miss ceramics. i started working with clay when i was a wee little one, and haven't had a chance to work with it since high school. maybe taking time for ceramics again would be a good option for me to relieve some stress and feel less overwhelmed."

see what i mean? i got a little out of control with my thoughts. :]

my entire family has gathered in colorado this week. i'm sad that i'm not there as well, but i have way too much going on here. i have an exam tomorrow in anatomy, a lab quiz on wednesday, and the pcat as i mentioned. so i better get back to my books. i just needed a little break. apparently, i needed to vent.

i do have some exciting things to look forward to though. they are helping me get through these little obstacles.
i'm hoping to visit apple hill with erin the day after the pcat. if not, i think i might try to at least visit a local pumpkin patch or something fun and fallish.
i'm also going to the crop for the cure at green tangerines with mandee. it will be nice to have some time dedicated to creativity.
and of course, i can always take little breaks to enjoy this little dude:
he was captivated by something on my bookcase. i'm not sure what though.

sorry for the heavy post, but that's just how it is sometimes around here. i'm sure you know i use this blog as a way to keep track of all kinds of things... including the not so fun parts of my life. and i know that even if no one else does [which will probably be the case] i will look back one day and be glad to see how i've grown from this point. i've already been able to do that with some of my older posts. :]