recovering.

i wrote about fun challenges in my last post. i anticipated that my next post would be all about the disneyland vacation, but it's hard to write about that after this past weekend. now i'm facing a different kind of challenge.

i'm still trying to recover from last weekend when i witnessed the most terrifying event i've seen. my friends and i were about a block from the car when we were approached by two boys. i don't even know what happened next, but before i knew it james' best friend, and one of my favorites, had been stabbed. everyday i think about what happened. and the whole thing plays over and over in my mind. i know it will take a long time to process it. i still can't comprehend what happened or why someone would commit a random act like that. i don't think i'll ever understand it.

i never used to feel unsafe, but now i struggle to feel safe. i kind of like the snow on the ground right now because i can check it for footprints. i used to enjoy my alone time, but i don't like being alone at all anymore. i have helix here with me all the time now because he gives me a little extra security if i am by myself. walking to my car after lab is another story. and there are all kinds of new triggers that make my heart start racing, like if i catch a glimpse of cuffed jeans. and when i think about any of it for too long, the tears start flowing.

i'm thankful that i've been able to talk to my parents about it. my dad was the first person i told, and i just completely broke down. he's been able to ease my fears and reassure me a bit.

i'm also incredibly thankful that our friend was able to go home from the hospital yesterday. i'm just so grateful that he is ok. his intestine and bowel were both perforated, so he had pretty major surgery and a long stay in the hospital. my heart just breaks every time i think about him. he's such a nice guy, always in a good mood, and so fun to be around.

going back to school has been sort of nice. just having an agenda to carry me through the day helps a bit. my anatomy class is essentially a continuation of last semester, but i think it will be easier since i've figured out how the professor works for the most part. as far as teaching the molecular lab, i don't know many of my students at all. i feel like last year i knew a lot more of them beforehand. we'll see how it goes.

anyway. sorry for the sad post. i've been avoiding writing about it, but it's pretty much the only thing that's been on my mind. i promise to come back soon with a happier post.