focus.

recently, it seems that i have lost my focus a little bit.
i just go through each day with no planning. no structure.
and as a result, i'm finding that each day is just blah.
and it's seriously starting to bother me. big time.

sometimes i hear or read about how much other people accomplish in a day. then i think about what i accomplish each day, and there is no comparison.
i need to get things under control.
find a more healthy routine.
because there are a lot of things that i want/need to do each day that just don't get done. i don't really have good reasons why they aren't getting done... i just get consumed with other things.

lately i've been dwelling over a text message. thinking about this text message and the person who sent it has really taken up my time. instead, i should be working on grad school applications or studying for the gre or sorting and printing photos to mail to my grandparents or paying a visit to my old lab or exercising or or or or... the list just goes on.
the point is there are things i'd rather be doing. and there are certainly things that i need to be doing instead.
but i have this little problem about letting words get under my skin.
so far under my skin that i forget about routines and plans and tasks, and i just dwell.

the text message went something like this:
"there is no friendship here amy. i don't want to be your friend. i have all the friends i need."

i've spent a few days now trying to understand those words and everything they mean.
i know it might seem obvious, but it's not so easy in this case.
i'm still kind of at a loss.

i've mentioned before on this blog how i don't like rejection. i don't take it very well.
this is just another form of rejection. but this form is so personal and so hurtful.
and when i think about it for too long, my eyes just fill up with tears.

i need to snap out of it though. stop thinking about it when i obviously won't really ever understand.
i'm tired of having this lump in my throat and these tears in my eyes.

it's time to get focused. and energized. and healthy.

picture perfect, indeed.

could this be any more adorable?
sigh.
these emails give me baby fever every time.
ha.
good thing victoria is here!

smiles.

she has grown so much since i last saw her!
she's taller for sure.
she can sit up. [and she totally loves it.]
and this morning she reached up and grabbed the little toy on her carrier. it was adorable.

she and amanda headed to carson until my brother comes in to town on saturday. i'm so excited for them to come back, so that i can soak up more baby time. i just love hanging out with her. it's especially fun now that she interacts so much more when you are playing with her. :]

i didn't go for the dnc.

ha. people kept asking me if i was visiting denver for the dnc.
i didn't even realize when i booked my flight that my trip would coincide...
obviously, i've been following politics very closely, eh?

anyway. i'm pretty sad to be home. i definitely wasn't ready for my trip to be over, which we all know is the sign of a good trip.

my grandparents picked me up from the airport on friday. i stayed at their house and they were also dog-sitting gonzo for a relative. whenever i would see gonzo out of the corner of my eye, i would just think it was helix because they are similar in size and color. gonzo really was fun to have around. it was the cutest thing ever listening to my grandpa talk to gonzo.

we had a nice dinner that night with my sister and jamie. after dinner, we played cards. my grandpa is a big fan of a game that we call rickie tickie. it goes by another name, which you'll see if you click on the link, but my grandparents prefer this name. ha. :] i either have good luck or very very bad luck. tonight it was bad luck. we were feeling the olympic spirit, so we kept awarding gold, silver, and bronze after each round. well. i didn't medal once in the 4 rounds we played. ha.

on saturday, my sister and i went to an outdoor mall. we nearly got rained out and didn't find much, but we came back with a bunch of carmel apples for dessert after dinner at one of my grandparents' favorite chinese restaurants. :]

on sunday, my sister, jamie, and i went to the denver zoo.

it got a bit hot and for a while it seemed the animals were only interested in showing us their backsides. ha. but we did get to see the baby snow leopards, a baby giraffe, and a baby zebra. i also really enjoyed watching one little penguin swim around in a pool and seeing the primates being fed. i made sure to get james some magnets with primates on them to take to work with him.
when i gave them to him after i got home he said, "these are going to work with me..." how perfect. ha.
that night we had a big family dinner. it was so nice to see some of the extended family. my aunt and my dad's cousin, charlie, stayed the night because it was too late for them to drive home when dinner was over. the three of us ended up staying up until 1:00am talking! it dawned on me more than once how funny it was to be up past midnight talking about what makes successful vs. unsuccessful relationships with a 55 year old and a 58 year old. :]

on monday, my grandparents felt like braving the potential traffic downtown from the dnc in order to show me the building that houses the denver art museum. you can see some photos on the website, but seriously... it's insane. i'm going to try to visit there again [and actually go inside] during my next trip to denver. we didn't go in this time because there wasn't really parking, and it was just too busy downtown.
we ate dinner at [everyone's favorite] olive garden that night, and my sister came over to my grandparents' house after dinner. my grandpa swears by good old fashion slide film and always has. he has an enormous collection of slides from throughout the years, which he is now sorting through and condensing. my sister convinced him to give us a slide show, and it was really a highlight of the trip. so many memories came back. he had a few slides from when he took my sister and i to a gymnastics camp while we were visiting one summer. during those slides i said, "grandpa! why didn't you make me keep going! i could have been an olympian!" he just laughed. there were slides from our trip to hawaii and others of a hike we took in colorado. he even has a collection called "a day in the life of baby paul." so cute.
my sister and i stayed up talking for a while that night. it was nice to have some sister time.

on tuesday, i caught up on sleep while my grandparents went to the dentist. ha. it was a nice slow-paced day. i visited the library with my grandma. so fun. :]
we went to the cheesecake factory for dinner. yummy. i wish there was one a little closer to reno, but based on how much i seem to eat every time i'm there... perhaps it's a good thing that my visits remain rare.
after dinner, we had another rickie tickie face off. i actually got two bronze medals and a gold this time around!

wednesday was my last day. my grandparents wanted to take me to the museum of nature and science. there is really too much to see there in one day, so after getting a bite to eat, we headed for the wildlife exhibits and then for the gems and minerals. both were very impressive. there were some mineral specimens that were just ridiculously beautiful. they even have a mock mine set up that you can walk though. there are so many more exhibits there that i would love to explore too. another visit is definitely on the list for my next trip. :]
my grandma made meat loaf that night... there's nothing quite like meat loaf at grandma's house, is there? so yummy.
and peach pie! oh. my. goodness. i've always been amazed at how quickly my grandma can make a pie. peeling the fruit alone is enough to keep me from making them. and her pies are always perfect... no matter what she says. ha.
after dinner, it was time to say goodbye. ack.
my sister took me to the airport and the sunset was tremendous.

oh. and i got a whole row to myself on the plane... there's not a whole lot that can make a flight better than that, is there? :]

i really can hardly wait to go back. we should be there for christmas... but i'm not sure that i'll make it that long.

today, amanda and victoria are coming up to visit. paul will join them here on saturday after work. and together we will all consume way too many ribs and way too much lemonade and fire roasted corn at the rib festival. with the recent intake of so much good food, i think it's definitely time to get back on track with wii fit. :]

can someone send the packing fairy?

that's me.
in my room.
with a mess of clothes behind me.
not wanting to pack.

if you know me, you know i made the packing list.
i'm all about the lists.
but the actual execution.
hmph.
not so much.

trying to get excited about it though because i have to leave at 6am.
why did i think that was a good plan?

p.s. my hair is getting too long!

getting back into it.

music, that is.

james and i had a conversation recently about how our friends assume we know so much about music.
and while we used to know our music pretty well, we have both kind of fallen out of the loop.
and the funny part is that it happened for both of us right around the time we started dating. kind of strange considering that one of the main things we had in common was our shared love for music. in fact, we both made mix tapes [ok, mix cds] for each other before we started dating. ah. memories.

anyway, i've really been missing going to shows and excitedly picking up albums the day they are released.
but i've been overwhelmed at the thought of getting back into it. james agreed when i brought it up at dinner tonight. he said he doesn't really think he has the time to invest in staying up to date anymore.
hmm.
time.
well.
i happen to have some of that on my hands lately.
so i decided that i have to just start somewhere...

here's what i'm currently excited about in the music world. [and yes. i realize that my taste in music is a little... amorphous. but i just enjoy music that inspires me, or makes me feel good, or makes me think, or helps me escape. along the way... these are some of the bands have made their way to the top of my list.]
- the faint had a new album released on august 5th.
- conor oberst played on the tonight show on august 6th. i missed it, but i was able to find it online to watch.
- tv on the radio has a new album coming august 23rd. you can hear one of the new tracks just by visiting their website.
- okkervil river has a new album coming september 9th. leading up to the release, they are having each song on the new album covered by other artists. they are releasing the videos on youtube. here is the first one.
- death cab for cutie is playing a show here in november.

ok. so it's a slow start, but it's something. :]

alright. i'm going to hate myself in the morning when i have to wake up for work. ack.
and i need to somehow find the time to do some serious laundry tomorrow so that i can pack for my trip to colorado.
i'm so excited to see my sister and my grandparents. [i got word from my sister tonight that my grandpa's psa has gone down from 11 to 3.8! we are very very very excited about this. he is no longer taking part in the drug trial and is back on his old medication, which seems to have lowered the count. truly awesome news. my grandpa asked the doctor how long he can expect to live and he said it could be 5 months or 5 years. obviously we are hoping for the later. my grandma was very happy at the potential and has vowed to take good care of him, which melts my heart.]
oh and alyssa, i'm going to see if i can arrange a visit with andy from the science fair because he might be in denver right now... wouldn't that be crazy after all these years!?

ok. goodnight. :]

finally. something scrappy.

i finally took some photos of my recent pages. woot.


the first one i finished a while ago, but kept on my desk just in case i wanted to add something else to it.
well. i decided that it's done.
it was the first page i made with my first studio calico kit [plus some buttons from my collection] and so far, it's the only page i've made with that kit. ha.
it had been a while since i'd scrapped when i made this page, and i remember it felt pretty good to finally get something done. [unfortunately the luck didn't really continue. ah well.]
it's not quite how i imagined it would turn out, but i'm happy with it.
i anticipate that i will scrap that photo many many more times. it's a favorite.




the second page is the one that i started during my visit to may.
i made it using the latest studio calico kit plus a journaling card from october afternoon that was on my desk when i was finishing it. i ended up buying the making memories trim at work just for that red piece of lace. i'll probably use some of the other trims in the package, but the red piece was the one that really got me. i tired and tried to find a suitable substitute, but there just weren't any to be found. i had really been resisting the urge to buy it for quite a while, but then i broke down and bought it for a mini album i was making at work one day [still working on it, slowly but surely]. the red lace was perfect for this page as well. :]
you may recognize the photo from my chicago trip. it's another favorite.
i think that in the end, this page turned out better than i anticipated. i had been really struggling to scrap, so it was a nice surprise to have this page turn out something like i envisioned. [thanks may, for getting me back on track!]

oh. and i bet you can't guess what my favorite thickers are at the moment. ha. i'm making mini with them too... hopefully i'll finish it soon, but i'm enjoying the process on this one. lots of playing around with paper while working on it, and it's making me happy. finally feeling good [not frustrating] to scrap.

well. i have to take my car down for it's oil change now. hopefully it will forgive me for neglecting it. :]

oh. and to make up for being so ridiculous to james, i took him to dinner. i was going to cook a nice meal for him, but then i came to my senses and remembered that i can count on one hand the number of meals that i've cooked for him that he actually really liked. ha. so i let him pick a place, and then while we were eating i told him how i blogged about the story and he laughed and reminded me how crazy i had acted. it was pretty funny actually.

ack. :/

1. my car only gets it's oil changed approximately every 15,000 miles because it's german. and i guess that's just how they roll.
but it's not ever exactly 15,000 miles.
the car has to decide when it's ready, and if you take it in before it's ready, they won't change the oil.
anyway.
i totally lost track.
and now.
the "miles left until you need an oil change" reads -25 miles.
that can't be good.

2. the smoke detector battery is going dead.
james is asleep.
the smoke detector is on the ceiling, which is too high up for me to reach.
the chirping noise is getting to me.
in a big way.
obviously, i can't sleep.
[and obviously james sleeps like a rock.]

3. james and i got in a "fight" tonight.
i wanted him to go get food with me even though it was past 11:00 & i know he has to wake up early for work & i know he probably didn't get a lot of sleep this weekend since he was with his friends in the city all weekend & i also know how exhausted i usually get after driving home from the city. the point of the run on sentence is that i know it was late, and he was tired.
but.
i hadn't eaten all day aside from a frappuccino, a handful of popcorn, and about 6 raviolis that weren't worth eating.
ok. so i had eaten. a bit. but i was hungry. very hungry.
and therefore very grumpy.
and i'm scared that my car will hate me if i drive it any place other than directly to the dealership for its oil change the next time i get inside it.
so he's laying in his bed, and i go down and ask him again if he's sure he doesn't want to take me to get food... he says no. and adds that if i was really, truly hungry i could find something here to eat.
i slam the dog gate on my way upstairs. [nice one, amy.]
he comes up, with his shoes on and his car key in hand and yells "let's go!"
and i refuse.
because i am stubborn.
stubborn.
stubborn.
stubborn.

so.
5 hours later... i'm sitting here hungry, with the stupid smoke detector chirping, unable to fall asleep.
because i am stubborn.
stubborn.
stubborn.
stubborn.

grr.
what the heck is my deal.
i have to think of something nice to do for him tomorrow...